No idea when this space had become an outlet to chronicle my dates.
I went out with someone exactly a week ago. He is small sized, very intelligent, funny, a little unkempt with blackheads and a slight beer belly, Very direct, sharp, open, very cool, decisive. That slight ego of his, and intuition. Sexy stuff.
So, yeah he was opening up about his family – he said a lot of stuff, and I was absorbing it all. Very interesting, very witty. He could debate about political science topics, talk about his job, colleagues, church friends, family, background, and the girls he had gone out with. The conversation went pretty smoothly I remember. He probably thought I was smart and knowledgeable, slightly bitter and caustic, guarded and defensive- skirting topics which I felt I was not comfortable to share, like my relationship with my sister.
I believe he tried to make a connection by asking me about the details of my life, but he just did not feel it. My curve-ball tactics at dodging uncomfortable topics, the inability to be open and vulnerable about them, probably left him feeling that I was more of a colleague, a friend, than someone who he could share his heart with. I was cruising along in my default conversational mode, unaware of how he felt. Yes, I missed it. There I was, unwittingly enchanted by his beautiful soul and not revealing it, and there he was, growing more detached by the minute, yet not showing much trace of it.
He did not feel that special connection or vibe that comes by opening up, sharing my true emotions, experiences, fears, family; basically someone who is real, open and willing to be vulnerable.
I perfectly fine with that, but I just needed time. He didn’t give me that chance to be real with him. Honestly, all I needed was time.
By nature, I am an extremely sensitive, emotional, sentimental person who forms emotional bonds very quickly and strongly. Being strong to counter the forces of sadness by putting on a facade, is akin to an armor, a breastplate of sorts, to protect my fragile heart. In a cold lonely world, that’s the only way I know how to survive the storms; seek refuge in that little fortress in the form of my achievements, friends and travels. I don’t know a lot, but I know this has helped me survive. I just need a second date to share my heart.
He did not know that.
Reflecting on this lesson, since a first date is somewhat of an interview, it’s the only chance to make an impression with someone who could possible be your soulmate. Unnatural as it seems, on first date with someone you had met online, I guess you have to be open about your life story and put some tangible emotion in the stuff you share, such that the other person can feel that openness.
Yes, I have to admit, I was sad. He had ghosted. Rather abruptly actually, because his last text was an open-ended question.
I’m not sure if I will ever see him again, but one thing I’m sure of, I really do like him, but I’ll never get the chance to tell him that; not that it even matters to him, but at least, let me be real with myself for liking him.